What to Do When Your Child Needs Extra Support at School: A Guide for Working Moms
What to Do When Your Child Needs Extra Support at School: A Guide for Working Moms
When you first hear that your child need extra support – academically, emotionally or psychologically – it hits like a punch to the gut. You start questioning everything:
Did I miss the signs?
Did I do something wrong?
Is this my fault?
If that’s where you are right now, take a deep breath. You’re not alone. And this doesn’t mean your child is broken. It means you’re about to become their biggest advocate and maybe even discover a new kind of strength in yourself.
In this powerful episode of The MOMents Podcast, host Madge sits down with Yolanda Gani, a dyslexia and learner support specialist. They unpack what it really means to walk this journey with your child. Their conversation will shift the way you see “support” forever.
1. Learner Support Is Bigger Than a Label
We often think learner support equals a diagnosis – ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety. But as Yolanda explains, it’s so much more than that. Learner support is anything that helps a child reach their potential – academically, emotionally and socially. It can be tutoring. It can be therapy. It can be adjusting bedtime routines.
It’s not just about what’s happening in the classroom, it’s about what’s happening in their world. Their friendships. Their sleep. Their confidence. Their environment at home.
SUPPORT STARTS WITH THE RIGHT QUESTIONS – Here’s a downloadable checklist to help with the next meeting with the teacher.
💚 So, before you spiral into self-blame, pause. This isn’t about what’s wrong. It’s about what’s needed.
ALSO READ: How Healing Your Own Trauma Can Change the Way You Parent
2. A Diagnosis Isn’t a Sentence – It’s a Key
When Yolanda said that a diagnosis can feel liberating, I felt that. Because it’s true. Understanding what your child is facing gives you a key to resources, to strategies, to peace of mind.
So many bright, creative, wildly intelligent kids are mislabeled as lazy or disruptive when, in reality, they’re just bored, overwhelmed or under-stimulated. Once you understand what’s going on, you can stop fighting the wrong battle.
💚 Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with my child?” start asking, “What does my child need to thrive?”
ALSO READ: Navigating Children’s Screen Time and Cybersecurity
3. Choose Positivity Over Panic
You can’t build confidence in your child by focusing on everything they can’t do. Yolanda urges parents to highlight strengths, celebrate small wins and use positive reinforcement like it’s your new parenting language.
It’s not toxic positivity, it’s training your brain (and theirs) to see growth instead of failure.
💚 Because here’s the truth: your child takes their cues from you. If you show up believing in them, they start to believe in themselves.
4. The Myths Are Wrong… And Dangerous
Let’s smash a big myth right now: Needing support doesn’t mean your child isn’t smart. Many of the most intelligent, creative and capable people on the planet think differently. But when the world doesn’t understand how they learn, it labels them “difficult.”
💚 Your job? Be the voice that cuts through that noise. Learn. Educate others. And never let anyone reduce your child to a label.
5. Take Care of Yourself Too
You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to be scared. You’re allowed to make mistakes. But you’re also responsible for taking care of yourself, because your energy becomes your child’s environment.
💚 So walk. Journal. Pray. See a therapist. Take a nap. Whatever helps you be the best version of yourself. This journey is long and you deserve to walk it whole, not half-empty.
ALSO READ: Why Working Moms Must Stop Trying To Be Supermom
6. Hope Is Not Optional – It’s Essential
Yolanda closes the episode with a message every parent needs to hear:
“This is not a death sentence. Your child can thrive. There is always hope.”
And that’s the truth. With support, understanding and the right mindset, your child can grow into someone resilient, confident and beautifully unique.
So, if you’re in that space right now – worried, tired, unsure – remember this:
You are not failing. You are fighting.
And your child doesn’t need perfect. They need you, present, learning and showing up one day at a time.
Because this isn’t the end of their story. It’s the start of a new chapter, one where love, understanding and courage rewrite the rules.
0:00
Intro: The Emotional Journey Begins
So you know when you get called to school by the teacher, it’s never to discuss how great things are going in the classroom.
You arrive and you sit down in one of those tiny little foundation phase Jays with your knees up to your chin and you start over thinking every parenting decision that led to this moment.
0:20
The teacher walks in and she shows you the desk where there are two normal sized chairs.
As you sit down, you brace yourself.
What is it this time?
If this scenario sounds too familiar, you found this podcast today for a reason.
0:36
We are unpacking the roller coaster of emotions of moms whose kids need extra support academically, emotionally and psychologically.
The fear, the guilt, and the what ifs.
But most importantly, the hope on the other side.
0:53
I’m your host Madge, and this is moment.
1:09
Joining me today is Yolanda Goni.
Yolanda, welcome.
1:13
Speaker 2
Thank you so much.
1:14
Speaker 1
Yolanda is a dyslexia and learner support specialist.
Yolanda, let’s define what learner support means.
1:24
What Is Learner Support?
Learner support is actually, to simplify it, any support that a child needs to be able to reach their optimal potential and that can be from emotional, academic and any type of intervention because at the end of the day, the aim is always to have a functional child that achieve their optimal potential.
1:44
Speaker 1
That makes so much sense because I think for a lot of people they are like a few very obvious ones like a DHD or anxiety or trauma counselling, but it goes far beyond.
1:58
Speaker 2
That definitely and and a lot of the times when we work with we a child needs support.
It is not just like only related to diagnosis, it is also related to social environment, it is related to home circumstances.
2:13
And so it is not just like diagnosis and the most familiar ones that we are working with.
2:20
Speaker 1
That is so interesting.
So you see moms on a daily basis where they hear not always good news.
Can you tell us what she goes through when she that her child actually needs extra support?
2:34
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
And what happens and I am a mother with a child with barriers to learning myself as well.
And I’m coming from a, from a, from a place where I have that own experience.
So as a parent, I always thought like, I have the most amazing child and my child is just like wonderful.
2:52
Like each and every mother always thinks that our children are just like perfect.
And then one day you have like that call where you like called into the foundation phase and you have to sit like on that little stool.
And then like your perspective of your child is not the exact way of how the teachers perceive your child.
3:13
And because up until that moment you thought like that your child is doing well, your child is fine.
Your child is supported and now you’re like being called in.
And now it’s like, but but first of all, I start to panic like that I fail in my parenting.
What did I do wrong and how can I be better?
3:31
And what what exactly did I do?
Where did I fall short?
Did I not spend enough time?
Was I too busy with my work?
You start beating yourself up because we are the first people working with our children.
So the moment when there’s any concern, it immediately reflects to us.
3:48
And it’s like, but what did I do?
And we beat ourselves up.
3:52
The Power of a Diagnosis
That’s so true because I also recently went through same thing when my son was diagnosed with ADHD and there was so much freedom for me in the diagnosis because up until that point I was trying to find what was what were we doing wrong?
4:11
What was the problem in our house or in our circumstances.
But knowing that it wasn’t something in my control gave me a lot of freedom and it gave me a lot of hope because now I know we can go and look for the answer and the best way to support him.
4:32
Speaker 2
Absolutely, I agree with you.
Especially if we have, for example, children with 80HD.
As a parent, I’m so used to my child being all over the show, like not being able to concentrate.
That becomes my narrative of normal.
So in my eyes, my child is like normal.
4:50
And sometimes like that people might say comments or they will like say certain things.
And then I’m just like, I’m not concerned because that is normal.
My child has always been like that.
My child is doing well academically in school.
My child is like happy.
And then we don’t actually realise, but there’s actually something more towards it.
5:08
So I absolutely, I love having diagnosis in place because diagnosis is a gift to know how to support the child and what is needed.
What support do I have to put in place?
So if I don’t know with what my child struggles with, I I don’t know how to support my child.
5:26
The diagnosis and understanding a child’s challenges is really very important.
5:32
Speaker 1
So the more I shared our story, the more I realised how many other people have very similar experiences with different diagnoses, but their kids also have and need extra support.
5:48
So do you think the negative stigma around these kind of scenarios have changed over time?
5:55
Destigmatising Support Needs
I think where it comes in is that ohh, well its are actually like very small and we are so busy with a lot of things and parents are trying to survive.
Parents are just like trying to meet all their needs, all the responsibilities from school.
So I know what is happening in my family and when there is a challenge raised then I feel but it’s only my child.
6:17
But from a teacher’s perspective, the teacher can see.
But you know what like I have 20 children in my class that need support.
I have 10 children that is specifically struggling with this.
So it is definitely just about your perspective.
So as a parent, my perspective is only on a child and I don’t have that big picture to see that that it is.
6:37
It is not just like only my child, but once again, because I’m so invested in my child, I feel but it’s just like my child.
Why is it my child?
Why is my child not like coping and what did I do and what went wrong?
So we always try because we love our children so much.
6:54
We always like try and carry their burdens within us ourselves.
And that also means that that I blame myself, I go the extra mile.
I just want to support my child and not realising, but there’s a whole network.
There’s like a whole network of parents, of specialists of people qualified to be able to support my child and myself.
7:16
But because we are not in that perspective to see that it’s not just like my only child, we, we struggle to like deal with it because I still think that it’s just my child.
So we don’t have their holistic view of barriers to learning or support needed.
7:35
Speaker 1
That’s so interesting.
So why do you think mothers or parents always default to guilt and blame?
We feel like it’s our fault.
If we feel like something, it’s something that we did wrong that led to this moment.
7:52
Why Moms Feel Guilt & Blame
I think it is because we are the ones spending the most time with our children and there’s no manual, there’s no handbook that is coming out like in this situation.
Please refer to page 5 and when this happened, please go to page 10.
So everything is we learn according to how our children grow up and we, we make mistakes.
8:12
We are allowed to make mistakes.
We are allowed to make wrong judgments.
We are allowed to like fail at being a parent.
And that is like why we are so hard on ourselves because we always just wants the best for our children.
And sometimes the focus is only like on the child.
8:27
And I take full responsibility for it.
And that is where we start beating up ourselves because like I, I need to be better, I need to work harder, I need to do, but at the end of the day is just like, it’s not about me.
I just like need to become the parent that my child need at that moment.
8:44
And there’s nothing wrong within me.
There is nothing faulty within me.
There’s nothing wrong with my parenting.
It’s just that I need to step up and I need to get the skills to be able to support my child.
And that is a mental shift that that parents need to make.
8:59
And it’s not a deficit approach.
There’s not something that is wrong with me.
But I can learn, I can equip myself with knowledge.
I can get the skills that I need to become the parent that my child needs.
9:11
Speaker 1
That step where the parent actually needs to step up for their child is so important.
9:17
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
9:18
Speaker 1
So how do you deal with it if a parent is in denial or does not accept the diagnosis?
9:25
When Parents Are in Denial
I think a lot of the time, and I think it is just like part of society when, whenever there is a concern and the teachers and the schools are like very good at telling you like everything that your child cannot do.
So when you are attending these meetings, you have to listen like what your child concerts still your child does not finishing their work, your child is rushing, your child is doing this.
9:47
And then it is like once again, the deficit approach.
And I firmly believe that a positive approach is so important.
So instead of just like focusing on all the negative things, the parents also need to hear about your child who have good qualities.
10:01
Strength-Based Approaches to Assessment
Your child is really just like so super excited and so willing to do his work.
But now he is like rushing or your child is like always wants to be like first in class and because that is like an achievement for him.
And then nothing wrong with it.
But we need to understand those challenges and the strengths.
10:18
And so the teachers only see that you know that the child is like rushing, but the bigger picture is because the child is pushing himself.
The child has their own high dolls.
The child if like their own own things that they see as like success.
So a holistic understanding is very important.
10:36
So whenever there is a challenge that we deal with, we need to focus on the positive 1st and then we need to use the positives to support the negative things.
And where a lot of the times is that it’s only the negative things that are being teached, dished out to their parents.
10:52
And then you feel defeated.
So there’s no hope like my child.
Like everything that you say is just like, is actually something really good of my child.
And I think that is what the parents sometimes actually need to hear as well.
11:05
Speaker 1
So in our journey to diagnosis, that’s very much been the case, focused heavily on the the positive things, which kind of gave us Peace of Mind to just think, ohh, he’s a boy, he’s still very young, he’s busy concert still.
But when the third teacher asked us to fill out the forms, we realised, okay, maybe it’s time to bite that bullet.
11:27
So we kind of have this conversation with ourselves, but I think externally, like from parents or friends, people might also delay the process when they say things like it’s just a phase or it will it will get better when he’s older.
11:44
Do you feel like there’s a lot of that delaying diagnosis or even preventing diagnosis?
11:51
Why Diagnosis Is Often Delayed
Absolutely.
That is a, a true struggle that we are dealing with and, and, and I think it is like a global issue.
And the reason for that is whenever you are like in a school environment and most of the teachers are only concerned once a child fails.
12:07
So once you work with failures, the support is immediately there because I don’t want to have failures.
But when you have a child that is happy at school, that is performing well, he just get like sevens on their report and everything is just like good years, years, years and he’s very busy and cannot sit still.
12:25
The teachers tend to be not so concerned because it is actually normal.
So if we look at barriers to learning, at least like 20% of society have barriers to learning.
And teachers are so used to these children like they, they deal with them every single day.
12:41
So teachers have a high tolerance and they tolerate quite a bit, but they don’t see it as a concern.
But the moment when their child is at the stage where they know more chief like all the the sevens or the child is emotionally not coping anymore, that is when the concern comes in.
12:58
So if it can be the first time and when there is a concern, I do believe that any concern a teacher, professional always raise is coming from a place of a good intention.
So it is, I see something and I want to make you aware of it.
And then it is up to the parents to decide.
13:15
But a lot of the times as well, parents are don’t have all the knowledge about barriers to learning.
They don’t have all their knowledge of what is expected of their age.
But then because our children are like functioning and our children are doing well, we are not concerned, but we are concerned your child fails.
13:32
So that is not just like a difficulty with teachers, it’s with parents as well.
And I think that is very important so that that we can over breach that.
So the moment when there is a concern that we don’t see it as an attack, we see it as a good intention.
13:50
We want to help your child.
We we can see that they are Marcus and we want to put intervention in place going forward.
So early intervention is always like much better and you you achieve like a stable environment much sooner with early intervention.
14:08
Speaker 1
That’s so interesting.
Do you think parents are also hesitant to follow through on this path because of how their child might be perceived by society or other parents?
14:22
The Fear of “Labels”
Absolutely anything that is unknown is a threat to my safety.
So I don’t have the knowledge, I don’t have the skills of all these barriers.
I don’t know how my journey is going to look going forward, but I do know that that my friends and that teachers and the people around me, they labelled these kids, they, they will always say like, ohh, this child and ohh, like not this one again.
14:47
So it is like normal for teachers sending now society that it’s, it’s easy to label, but when we work with diagnosis at diagnosis means nothing if there is not intervention in place.
And that is what a lot of parents do not understand.
15:03
So they scared off the label, but they don’t realise that the label comes with a gift and the gift is now at least I know what is wrong with my child.
I know how to support my child and I know what is expected from my side to be able to give my child the support, the love, the patients, the pharmaceutical intervention so that my child can achieve their optimal potential.
15:25
Speaker 1
And ultimately, the hope.
15:27
Speaker 2
Yes, absolutely.
Absolutely.
15:29
Speaker 1
Reaching their full potential.
15:32
Speaker 2
With every concern, it comes with hope.
If I have a concern and I don’t do anything about it, it’s going to remain a concern.
But the moment when I have a concern or diagnosis or a difficulty and I can do something about it, it, it is a gift.
15:50
My child will feel better.
My child will have the skills that they need.
And I as a parent will also be more at ease because like now, my child is not mean.
My child is not like horrible because my child is not listening.
My child did not have their ability, but if I understand it, I also have more grace and patience with my child.
16:09
Speaker 1
That’s so true.
So you learn out.
What would you say are the biggest misconceptions of kids who need extra support?
16:17
Speaker 2
Ohh, they’re slack many they’re the biggest misconception for me is that parents always assume that when a child needs support, they something intellectually wrong with their child.
And a lot of their parents like that.
They will not know how, what, how your child’s report not look like, but they know that your child is like the busy one and he can’t sit still.
16:37
But it is automatically assumed that there is an intellectual barrier as well.
So a lot of the times when we work with diagnosis, these children are actually super intelligent, but they do not have the ability to control their emotions, to control their attention.
16:53
And they they seem to like that that they’re not coping, but they actually like not stimulated by the curriculum.
And because they’re not stimulated by the curriculum, it is not challenging enough for them.
They start acting out because they become actually like frustrated.
17:08
So it is very important and that that we must still stay clear of misconceptions.
And when there is support needed, it got nothing to do with intelligence.
It is more about putting the right support in place.
And another missed misconception that parents have is the moment when there is a concern.
17:28
They assume there’s something wrong with my child and I don’t want to have a child and there’s something wrong with my child.
But they don’t understand that children learn according to their own paces.
They reach their goals according to their own terms.
So the moment when my child is not on par with their age, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with my child.
17:47
My child may be just needs a little bit like more emotional support.
My child maybe just needs pharmaceutical intervention.
My child maybe just needs me to be more present as a parent.
And that also will make like a difference.
So the misconceptions is, is a reality, but it is important to always just like make sure with what am I dealing with, what exactly it is and how can I support it.
18:15
So instead of just like going on generalizations that has been there like for years all along like that all children with diagnosis needs to be in a special school.
All children with diagnosis like that they that they, they need it.
They need special attention.
18:31
They will never ever like hope so from my experience as well, I was told that my child will never ever be able to cope in mainstream and today my child is number 2 academically in a mainstream school because she got the support that she needs.
18:46
Speaker 1
That’s amazing.
18:47
Speaker 2
At the end of the day, there’s so much hope for these parents and yes, it’s not nice to hear there’s a challenge.
There’s something that needs to be done, but that comes with hope.
18:57
Speaker 1
That is so, so inspiring as a mum was also walking this path.
It’s great to know that the thought is there and that it’s an ongoing thing.
It’s not just it goes beyond the diagnosis.
19:11
Speaker 2
Absolutely, yes.
And a lot of the times what parents feel is like that it’s a death sentence for them.
So I did not expect it.
First of all.
Now I have a diagnosis, I don’t know what is expected of my child, how to support the diagnosis.
19:27
So they see it like as a death sentence.
And actually it is not permanent, it is temporary.
So if you can start putting the intervention in place, they will come to a stage where they are independent and where they can achieve their optimal potential.
19:43
Speaker 1
So for a moment to understand what she needs to do beyond the diagnosis, can you give us guidelines or a practical checklist of what she can do after she years what her child needs?
19:57
What to Do After a Diagnosis
The first thing that every mother needs to realise is that it is okay and to not beat yourself up and.
Manage yourself and be hard on yourself.
So very often as well, like we as parents, we take it upon us and then like we are depleted.
20:14
We don’t have positive energy.
So self love first.
I can’t help my child if I am not healthy, if I don’t have the patience and the guidance and whatever I need like to be able to support my child.
So the parents needs to be positive.
20:30
The parents need to just like realise that that it’s tangible.
It’s something tangible and you you can work with it.
So first of all and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Secondly, it is a child centered approach.
20:47
It is about what my child needs.
It’s not what I want, what I don’t want.
It is not like that.
No, I don’t feel comfortable taking my my child to a psychologist.
If your child needs to go to a psychologist for play therapy and put the intervention in place because at the end of the day, you’re going to gain the long term benefits from that.
21:06
And with that, I would also say is be kind to yourself and equip yourself with knowledge.
Take it one day at a time and always, always be positive.
So they are going to be days where you feel like, but I, I don’t know what to do anymore.
21:22
And my child is acting out.
And it doesn’t matter what I do, what I try, my my child is just like, I don’t understand what is happening.
And very often we just feel like, but nothing is working.
I’m a failure as a parent.
And that is not a reflection of you as a parent.
21:37
You are a failure the moment when you give up on your child.
So if you continuously beat yourself up and.
21:44
Speaker 1
For for.
21:46
Speaker 2
Certain things that you believe that you are not good enough at, you didn’t give up.
You are just like still trying and trying to exhaust all the options that is available to you.
So parents just like need to be open minded, be kind with himself and equipped himself with knowledge and information.
22:04
When Schools Don’t Cooperate
That is such sound advice, Yolanda, and I’m sure so many of our listeners will find so much hope in what you just said.
But of course, this also the flipside.
If a mom needs support and she recognises that her child needs help, but the school is not cooperating.
22:26
Speaker 2
Yes, yes.
22:27
Speaker 1
I know the school that you are involved with is not that kind of school, but what can moms do when they have that problem?
22:36
Speaker 2
I always believe parents need to follow their heart, and it’s important to understand that the general approach is that if your child fails, the teacher is concerned.
So even like in my own journey as well, I always knew that there’s something, something different with my child, but I couldn’t pinpoint it.
22:54
And for me, my child is literally like that.
22:56
Being Dismissed by Teachers
I know that she’s intelligent.
I know that she can do things, but then I didn’t understand like, but why she’s struggling with reading, why she’s struggling with this?
And why are we sitting every single day 4545 hours with homework, but the teachers are saying it is like 2 hours.
23:12
And then every single time when I raise a concern, then the teachers will just like always say like, no, your child is lovely.
She always gives her best.
She’s always like the best behave.
And then I’m like, but there’s something that is not, that is not right for me.
23:27
So all my concerns have also been like dismissed where every single time like that they they didn’t agree with how I perceived my child.
So the hope that I wanna give to parents is that follow your heart.
If your heart is telling you that that something doesn’t make sense and pursue ask the difficult the difficult questions.
23:51
If your teachers telling you like, no, I’m not concerned.
Like no, you have nothing to worry, but you still have that concern in your heart and go to professional person and go to a mom’s group.
Go to there’s so many supporting groups on Facebook where you can have a chat to mum Sandra where you can say like, you know what, I’m not concerned about this.
24:11
Do you guys also like sometimes experience it?
But very often parents do not want to say that they are concerned because they are scared of how they will actually be perceived by people.
But once the parents actually start talking to one another, they will realise.
24:26
But my child does exactly the same.
My child is also struggling with that.
So when your mother is concerned at the school is not concerned, follow your heart and go and read up, go and get the right information.
Go and see someone professional.
24:42
Because a lot of the times children with barriers to learning, they, they do cope up until a certain age and then there is like a phase in their life where the information is too much.
Emotionally, they’re not coping anymore.
But by that time you are sitting with a child with severe anxiety and possible like depression because for so many years, the child did not get the right intervention.
25:05
So as mothers, we know our children the best we know.
We can read them.
I don’t have to ask my child, how was your day?
I can see how your day was.
So if you if there’s anything that is not sitting right with you, follow your heart.
25:22
Speaker 1
That is said to you because as a mom, your intuition will always tell you that’s like your, your, your guiding light that you should follow.
25:30
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
And I do believe that it’s never wrong because like we are so connected to our children.
Our children on one stage were like part of us and that connection will always be there.
So just like, trust yourself.
25:44
Speaker 1
That trust in ourselves is sometimes something we ignore because of what society and social media or how others perceive us is like deafening that voice.
26:00
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
And the worst part of that is that when I raise the concern and the teachers are not concerned, then it reflects back onto me.
So like now they will select, no, this parent is just like paranoid and this is a helicopter parent.
26:15
And this parent doesn’t have like firm boundaries with a child.
Like it is the parent.
Parents like fault at all times.
So in my case as well, my child had separation anxiety because school was very difficult for her.
So every single time I was the one that was at fault.
26:33
Your child have separation anxiety because like she’s like feeding on your on your energy.
And then like every single time it is like you are not like letting your child go.
You are not like giving your child like that independence, but in the background is like I, I know that my child got everything that you are telling me at home.
26:52
My child do have all those qualities.
It’s just when I need to drop her off at school that I’m struggling with this.
So a lot of the times when there is a concern at the school is not concerned, they will say, but no, the parents, no, you’re just like paranoid.
27:07
And it comes back to me and then I beat myself further up because why doesn’t why don’t they see like that that they might be?
27:17
Speaker 1
Such a hot mountain decline, yes, but as parents we also do make mistakes.
And you said it earlier, we were allowed to make mistakes.
We didn’t get a manual with the baby.
So what would you say are the biggest mistakes parents make when their kids need extra support in order for us to not make them to?
27:40
Common Mistakes Parents Make
The, the biggest mistake that we make is sometimes the way that we react.
So without thinking about everything, the way that I react.
So I would like to suggest that parents first need to get the whole picture and wait until you have processed everything, all the concerns and then you, you have their conversation with your child.
28:02
It’s always very important that when I have a conversation with my child, it needs to be child appropriate.
So when I did not deal with the challenges yet, I’m not in a mental state to be able to communicate that to my child because I’m going to share my concerns and the troubles that I’m caring, I’m carrying within me.
28:21
Talking to Your Child Positively
I’m going to communicate that to my child.
And I might say like, but but they say that there’s something wrong with you and the child will like, well, who said there’s something wrong with me?
We if I am at peace and I forced it, the reality and I know what is expected of me, I can have the conversation with my child and it and it will have a different narrative.
28:43
And I can say like, you know what, my Angel, there’s a few things that we need to change and I’m so excited for it.
And that is a positive journey that we can take going forward instead of justice, like being being defiant and being negative and focusing on all their challenges.
29:03
Speaker 1
Yeah, it’s like unlocking your superpower.
We’re just going to use a different way of getting there.
Absolutely what we’ve been doing.
29:11
Speaker 2
But it’s so important the way that you approach it with your child.
29:15
Speaker 1
The sad flipside is that many people can’t get the support and treatment they need for their children because it’s so expensive.
29:23
The Financial Struggles of Getting Help
Do you have any advice for moms like that?
29:25
Speaker 2
Definitely once you go the professional route, it is very expensive and not all parents have the financial, financial ability to to explore that road.
So first of all, your first point to go to is always your teacher.
29:42
So the teacher.
And once again, you need to have open, honest and clear communications with your teacher.
So if I’m going to tell my child’s teacher like that I’m anxious, the teacher don’t have like much ground to respond to me.
But if I tell my child’s teacher that, you know what, I’m a little bit anxious today because we did not have a good morning at home.
30:05
Now the teacher knows that there’s a child coming in and the child just like needs a little bit like extra support, extra emotional and a little bit more acceptance and grace for their day.
So support is very important.
Every school also have a Beastie that is a school based support team.
30:23
So if there is any, any, any concerns and you can ask your teacher, can the school please just like help me?
I, I’m out of ideas, I am out of resources.
30:34
Using School Resources Smartly
I don’t know what I need to do for my child.
So then you go to the SBST, the SBC have qualified people in their panel and then they can direct you to like, you know what, maybe like you can venture this way or we will suggest that maybe the first time, first place of intervention is speech therapy or it is like to see the pediatrician for possible pharmaceutical intervention and they will be able to guide you in the, in the direction where you need to go.
31:01
So also the department is absolutely amazing.
The department also works with the SBSD from the school.
31:07
Speaker 1
The Department of Education.
31:10
Speaker 2
Moment when there is a concern and the parents do not have their financial ability to support the child the department is willing to support.
So there are different routes that we can can explore.
So for example, and the Department of Health that they, they assist families with medicine if their children have a DHD and they need pharmaceutical intervention.
31:33
And if a parent cannot pay for, it’s like assessment from a school site, I can apply.
I can apply for an assessment to ensure that the child receives the support.
So a lot of the times parents do not have the knowledge.
But if I’m not going to ask the questions, no one is going to be able to assume like that I need help and that I don’t have the ability to actually get the right out for my child.
31:57
So communication is very important.
32:00
Speaker 1
Yes, I think most of the parenting problems we face all boils down to communication and not being defensive when things are not going our way.
32:11
How to Communicate with Schools
Absolutely.
And on the other side with communication as well, whenever these are concerned, it’s so normal for the teachers at the schools to receive it in a way that that seems to be like an attack.
So the way that we communicate with with one another is so important.
32:30
So sometimes schools just like half the defensive approach because they feel that they’re being like attacked.
It feels like that their parent is blaming the school because my child is struggling with this and my child is as my child is this at the school like feeds on your energy and there’s school just like the fans.
32:47
But if we have open and honest communication, we can achieve so much more by sharing the concerns and getting the right interventions in place.
32:58
Speaker 1
Thank you for sharing that exciting important learners who need support.
It’s it’s very often a long and winding Rd. with misdiagnosis or multiple problems.
How do we keep the hope alive and stay positive?
33:16
Holding on to Hope
That’s a very difficult like answer to to give you and also coming from my own experience.
So whenever you work with concerns with barriers to learning, there is not a clear Rd. that you have to explore.
33:32
So in my personal case as well, by the time that my child was in grade 3, she already had like 6-7 different diagnoses.
Because every single time I go to one person and they give one diagnosis and I go to another person and they give like have the diagnosis and as I try and get help for my child, we, we have later on like a list of diagnosis.
33:54
But they instill my child is not like really functional in school.
So eventually, once you have the right diagnosis and the right support, the children usually like start to just like, like excelling and they, they, they start accepting that.
34:11
But yes, I am going to have like a lot of challenges.
But hey, I have so many good strengths.
I’m amazing with maths and I’m amazing with art and I am amazing with whatever and that holistic bodies like really very important.
So if you have a diagnosis and your child is not functional, it means that you need to explore a little bit like further.
34:33
So sometimes parents are lucky, they explore or their journey and they get a diagnosis and once they have the intervention in place, the child is absolutely fine.
But very often things are misdiagnosed sometimes especially with a DHD that we pick up this ADHD.
34:52
But like now my child is on medication, my child is like still not or still rushing.
My child is still not like functioning.
But then the teachers will say like capital, remember your child have like a DHD.
So next year it is the same then the next year it is the same.
35:07
So once a child receives intervention and they are on medication, the child should be functional.
And if the child is not functional, we need to keep on exploring different routes, different diagnosis, different interventions, because the ultimate goal is for each and every child to be functional.
35:26
They need to be happy, they need to excel, and they need to become the best version of themselves.
35:34
Speaker 1
If that’s not every mom’s goal, I’ve told someone recently that my biggest goal in life is to have happy kids with self-confidence.
If I don’t achieve anything else in my life but those things, I would be so grateful.
35:53
I would look back and say I’ve done my job.
So yeah, if, if, if the road looks different for each one of us, that’s just what we have to do.
Because at the end, happy kids is the goal.
Absolutely.
But happy moms make happy kids, Absolutely.
36:09
Moms Need Support Too
So there’s, we’ve spoken a lot about support for the kids and I think there’s a lot more information out there on how to support kids with barriers to learning or need extra support.
But what about support for mothers?
36:25
Do you think schools actually offer enough support and knowledge and information for mothers?
And if not, what does the road forward look like?
Or what kind of mom do who actually feels a need for extra support from her school?
36:44
Speaker 2
That that is a another reality that is like so real because schools are child centered.
The focus is only on the child and me as a parent is like I, I just have to cope.
I just like, I have to deal with everything.
And I think that is something that needs to be overreached in the future.
37:02
So in my role specifically where I am, for me, it is very important that parents are equipped.
They need to understand the diagnosis, they need to understand the knowledge, they need to understand their child.
Because the moment when you understand any barrier to learning, it gives you peace.
37:21
And if you don’t understand something, you will never, ever have peace.
And that is where it comes in that me as a parent need to get to that stage where I have peace.
So sometimes the schools, the teachers don’t have their, their ability or the time to sit with each and every parent.
37:38
So if we have a parent meeting, you only get 10 minutes and like in that 10 minutes you need to like discuss everything and mums need little bit like more.
So it’s very important for mums also to equip themselves and maybe join social media groups and support groups where they are, for example, children with specific barriers where they can voice themselves.
38:01
I’ve been struggling this whole week with my child with meltdowns in the morning.
And what do you guys do?
And you will see immediately the parents will pop in like this is working for me.
This is not working for me.
I’ve tried this ohh don’t worry I have the same issue and that is when you actually like start receiving the support what you have as a mother.
38:19
So also for me very important as a mother, you need to limit all the people in your life that does not support your journey in helping your child.
38:29
Finding Community and Connection
So if you have anyone in your life that is just negative all the time, like your child is just like naughty.
No your child does not have like ears, like a person like that will start influencing your role as a parent and you going this start wondering but maybe it is the truth.
38:46
So all negative influences need to be limited because it is a positive approach.
So surround yourself with people that have the same goals, the same understanding and their mentality than what you have.
Because you can’t try and be a good mother and a parent and help your child if you are getting like from the back all the time like that.
39:08
Like no like you are unreasonable.
Your expectations are like too high because it is in contradiction with what you are actually trying to achieve with your child.
So I would really say you as a mother need to be okay.
So self love at first, I need to be okay, I need to have acceptance, I need to realise it’s not my fault and I need to learn how to become the mother that I’m meant to be for my child.
39:33
Speaker 1
Thank you so much for sharing that.
I’m sure that this conversation is going to mean so much for a lot of moms out there.
If there’s a mom listening today, feeling overwhelmed, emotional and doesn’t know what to do next, what would your message be for?
39:49
Speaker 2
Her I would say just take one day at a time and very often we we just see like the the big problems, we just see the big things that we are like struggling with, but we actually miss this small, tiny achievement.
40:07
Encouragement for Overwhelmed Moms
So first of all, set achievable goals for you and for your child.
And the moment like when these children dislike have little bit like achievement, you are winning because the school system is also so used to telling these children all the things that they can’t do.
40:24
You didn’t.
Initial work, he rushed, you didn’t sit still, you forgot your pencil at home.
You did this, you did this, you did this.
So everything coming from school is very often just like negative and we as parents have to like breach that.
So if a child comes home and they are just so negative and they tend to have meltdowns at home.
40:44
And when I discussed the this with the teachers at school, I’m concerned because every single day my child have a meltdown at home and then the teacher will say like, ohh, no, I’m your child is absolutely fine.
These children learn to mask at school because they don’t feel safe.
41:01
And if I’m going to show the teacher that I’m frustrated, if I’m going to show the teacher that that I’m struggling, I’m going to be like labelled, my teacher might shout me.
I don’t want that because I’m not safe.
But at home, our children feel safe with us.
So we tend to see their worst behaviours.
41:18
We tend to see their worst meltdowns and sometimes we start thinking that I have a horrible child.
I don’t know what did I do wrong?
Did I race like this, this horrible child?
But it’s never ever coming from a place of bad intentions.
41:32
Managing Your Child’s Big Emotions
So when we deal with a child that that do not have this expected behaviour, it’s actually just like a way how they communicate with us to tell us I’m not coping.
I don’t know what to do.
Please help me.
So in a perfect world, instead of having these tantrums and meltdowns, and it would be nice if these children’s children can come to us and say like, you know what, like mom and I really just like, need you to help me today.
41:59
I’m struggling with this.
The teacher shouted me again today and I, I don’t know what to do.
But these children don’t know how to communicate that with us.
So whenever a child acts out, it’s actually a cry for help.
But as parents, sometimes there’s an escalation in their emotions.
42:17
And immediately it’s like that.
But I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve this disrespect coming from you.
And the whole situation just escalates.
So important thing that I had to learn as well as when my child’s emotions are high, I need to have control over mine.
42:33
I’m the adult, I’m the parent, I’m the mother.
So when when her emotions are skyrocketing, I need to remain her stable as safe and her calm.
So that is the best advice that I can give to any parent.
And once my child is emotionally calmed down and stable, then I can have the conversation with a child and say, I see there’s something really troubling you, how can I help you?
42:59
And that is, that was a breakthrough for me.
43:03
Speaker 1
I’m sure it will be for many other moms too.
I love what you said about breaking it down into achievable steps.
Like just take that first step, ask one question, read one article.
Yes, don’t see it as this massive mountain decline.
43:19
Just like, do it piece by piece and the puzzle will fall together.
43:23
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
And once we work with things that is unknown to us, it comes with fear and you feel defeated because like you just go into Google and you Google something and they like there’s 1000 things coming up and like now I’m like in a panic mode because like, where do I start?
43:40
What do I have to do?
So for any teacher, any specialist that is helping a parent, I think it is also important to give the most important information to the parent that that is my go to.
That is just like the basic things that I need to know for now.
43:56
And then once I’m done with that, then I will like go like, okay, thank you so much for sharing.
Is there maybe like something else that you can share with me?
And then you take it one step at a time because this is not a race.
This is a journey.
And the end goal is to have an amazing well adjusted child that is functioning functional in society.
44:18
Speaker 1
Thank you so much, Yolanda.
You’ve given us so much to think about and you’ve shared so much wisdom and knowledge.
I really, really appreciate it.
44:26
Speaker 2
It’s an absolute pleasure.
44:28
Speaker 1
And this brings us to the final five, five questions that every guest on Moments will answer.
So which part of your human experience, or what I call the HX, was changed the most by becoming a mom?
44:44
Speaker 2
And the human experience that the changed me as a mom and was just like having a child.
So I as human, I’ve always been like a top performer.
I always wanted to be like the best with everything that I do.
So I’m very competitive.
45:00
And then when I got Diana, like after seven years of like struggling, I actually felt incompetent and I felt like that, ohh, what am I going to do?
Like, how am I going to keep this child like alive?
And that was the moment in my life where I realised that I cannot control everything in my life, have to take it one step at a time.
45:23
And that changed my perspective or my purpose and who am I as a human being.
And also that realization that that God gave this child to me because he believed that that I will be the best mother for that child.
So becoming a a mother absolutely just like changed my life.
45:43
Speaker 1
That’s beautiful.
What are you most grateful for on your mom journey?
45:48
Speaker 2
I’m most grateful for the good and the happy moments.
So they are always like you’re over consumed, You are like making mistakes.
You are like you have a time schedule that you have to run.
And very often we get so engaged and so we in survival mode because we have to keep so many things just like going at the most grateful thing at night is when when I put Diana in bed and I just look at her that proud moment, like I get the opportunity to raise this child.
46:25
And it doesn’t matter how difficult the day it was, how whether we had to fight about like studying and school work and homework.
But the moment when she’s asleep, then just that grateful moment, like, wow, I get the opportunity to to raise this human.
46:41
Learning with Self-Compassion
I love that.
So looking back, what would you do differently?
46:48
Speaker 2
Definitely not beat myself up and I looking back at my journey, I can write a book about the days and moments I I wasted like years of my life beating myself up and where I was thinking that I’m not good enough, I’m not competent, I’m not cut out to be like a parent and sleepless nights.
47:08
I try and sleep and then I wonder like what can I do better?
I’ve tried this, what else can I do so I would be kinder to myself.
I will have a different perspective and a positive perspective of like that.
It is a journey and it’s it’s not God is not expecting me to be a perfect parent and I need to embrace that and one day at a time.
47:32
So I will definitely be much kinder to myself.
47:35
Speaker 1
I think that’s a message most moms need to hear.
47:40
Speaker 2
Definitely.
47:41
Speaker 1
So why are you telling your own child about parenting?
47:46
Speaker 2
I, I always remind my child, especially on the, on the difficult days where I have to deal like with emotional outburst and like demands and not like struggling to communicate, I will always like make it clear that you know what, sometimes you need to give mommy like, like grace as well.
48:06
So the same way that I give you grace and you need to give mommy grace as well.
But it’s very important for me that my child needs to understand he doesn’t matter what happens in her life and I will always be there for her.
It doesn’t matter if she did something wrong, if she if she got into trouble for anything.
48:25
I want her to know that I’m the first go to person.
So I always tell her whenever you in trouble, whenever there’s anything that that you not sure, please just like call me.
I will always be there for you.
And it doesn’t matter what you have done.
Doesn’t matter if you made a mistake or but I will always be there for you as a parent.
48:44
And I think that that gives children security as well.
Just like knowing that I can make mistakes, I can like explore and and do things like maybe not as expected, but I have room for failure.
And we need to fail to be able to learn and that is okay.
49:02
I will not be judged.
49:04
Creating a Safe Space
Yeah, I think that is so true because if, if we don’t create those safe, that safety net for our kids with us, they’re going to reach out to someone else or they’re going to try and hide their mistake.
49:18
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
49:18
Speaker 1
Which is much worse.
49:20
Speaker 2
Or they go to Google.
Or they ask a friend.
49:22
Speaker 1
Or they’ll just land up in deeper.
49:24
Speaker 2
Trouble.
Yes, yes.
49:26
Speaker 1
Yeah, So what is the north star you use to make parenting decisions?
49:31
Speaker 2
My North Star always and whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I always dislike.
Remain calm, then I will pray, and then I will follow my heart.
49:42
Speaker 1
Thanks for sharing that and thanks for joining me today.
I had so much fun and I learned so much from you.
Thank you again, Yolanda.
49:50
Speaker 2
It’s an absolute pleasure.
49:52
Embracing the Long Game
The news that your child needs extra support does not mean the end of your dreams you had for that little baby.
It just means taking the scenic route instead of the highway to a destination that might be even greater than the one you dreamed of.
Until next time, bye.
50:09
This episode of Moments is brought to you by Babies-R-Us and Toys-R-Us Your Village.
Through every messy, magical step of parenting, from first kicks to toddler chaos, we are here with love, guidance, and all the essentials you need to thrive.
50:28
Because every moment matters.
Watch the full episode here:
Also available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts
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