0:00

Introduction to Mommy Wine Culture

You know when you get home after an exhausting day at work, the first thing you do is reach for a glass of wine?

You deserve it, right?

It’s time to wind down.

But when does a glass of wine go from a well deserved treat?

Something more concerning?

0:15

In this episode we take a look at the fine line between the mummy wine culture and using wine as a coping mechanism.

When is it harmless and when is it time to slam on the brakes?

I’m your host, Madge, and thus is moments.

0:42

Joining me today is also a fan nervat.

She is a social worker and the chairperson of the Mental Health Review Board, and she works at the Blumenthal treatment facility.

She’s a wife and a mommy of three.

Welcome, Elsa.

0:58

Speaker 2

Thank you for inviting me.

1:00

Speaker 1

It’s such a great pleasure, but also, what is the mommy wine culture and how did it become so mainstream?

1:09

Speaker 2

What we pick up in mental health as well as at the Blumenthal treatment facility is that we have women that rush from being mom at home to school to work.

1:23

Defining Mommy Wine Culture & Stages of Use

And at the end of the day, there is this need to just just let go, to just relax.

And if it is a glass of wine and it’s not every day, then we can say that we are still in the introduction phase of the substance use disorder and profile.

1:44

And many people are able to remain in the introduction phase.

Unfortunately, we do have moms that move over to the next stage, which is called maintenance, where the mom starts associating that glass of wine with a specific outcome and it becomes not I am enjoying a glass of wine, but I need a glass of wine to cup.

2:09

And at that point we become concerned because it starts playing an active role in the life of that mom.

And often the next day we need a couple of headache tablets because of one too many the day before, or I can’t have my glass of wine and I feel I need.

2:30

So over the counter medication starts playing a role as well and slowly but surely we develop substance use disorders.

2:40

Speaker 1

Wow, that that is so meaningful because I think so many moms can identify with what you just said.

There’s almost like that, that point of the day where you start looking forward to to your wine just to calm down, just to ease into your afternoon or your late afternoon or your evening, start cooking, start homework.

3:05

But you need that wine just to, like you said, take that deep breath.

3:11

Emotional Reliance and Family Impact

And when wine becomes that companion, that’s something that you start to rely on to get through to through your evening to deal with the homework.

Then we are starting to get a bit constant because it’s no longer for enjoyment.

It now has a specific purpose.

3:28

And as I said it, it develops slowly over a period of time.

And in the beginning it’s one or two glasses.

And then very, very soon we moved to a point where can I just get my kids to bed?

Can I just get the night over so that I can sit and be alone with this?

3:47

Because this thing is the thing that calms me down.

This thing is the thing that understands me, takes me to a space where I feel I have done well enough today.

I am hopeful for tomorrow.

It starts having a big purpose in life and you start trying to find ways to spend time with your alcohol.

4:09

And at that point it’s quite problematic.

And people in in the family can say I’m concerned about you, what’s going on.

And as is women.

So, so very easily find that type of questioning, that type of I am concerned about you as being criticised or being judged.

4:30

And the moment that we are saying, ohh, it’s not that bad or it’s don’t worry about this.

It’s not everyday we start showing the symptoms of a substance use disorder, we minimising, we start having an amount of dishonesty around our using and and that is the key thing with substance use disorders when we are using we need to maintain our using and that causes a dishonest behaviour set and that feeds again into our guilt, into our shame.

5:09

Because I can’t be honest with my husband anymore.

I can’t be honest with my friends.

When people talk to me about my drinking or about using tablets, I have to justify because it’s hard for women to say we need help.

5:25

It is just too much.

We’re not coping.

5:28

Challenges of Addressing Concerns

But it’s also hard to start that conversation.

Let’s say I’m concerned about someone.

It’s so ingrained in our culture.

It’s so justified.

All moms drink wine.

I can’t open Instagram without seeing a mom jogging this huge glass of wine or someone joking about mommy’s sippy cup or the The jokes and the normalisation of moms and wine is just on a on the next level.

6:00

So for me to approach someone and say, hey, I’m really concerned.

They would just be like, ohh, you mad?

Everyone’s doing this.

So it it makes it even harder because it’s so justified.

6:14

Speaker 2

Absolutely.

And also so normalised, as you’re saying there is not a social media page that we open where there is either a joke or a a photo of people enjoying.

And I think the problem is that when we want to get to a point where we want to say to someone, I’m concerned, it’s quite important to say I’m concerned about your behaviour, not necessarily about your using.

6:40

I’m concerned about the fact that you came over to my house and you used to a point where I worried if you were going to get home safe.

I’m concerned every single time that we get together, there is one too many.

So we need to talk about what we are seeing instead of saying concerned about you using concerned about you, my friend.

7:02

I’m concerned about the role that this thing is playing in your life.

I feel that I am at stages fearing that you’re not going to be okay.

And and that’s the way that we approached this to say to someone.

7:17

I really, really feel that I’m developing a sense of insecurity or fear around your safety and these are the examples that I want to put on the table.

And the moment that we start understanding that this comes with a bit of acceptance, people are noticing my behaviour and people are saying I’m concerned about you, not about your drinking.

7:44

Understanding Substance Use Disorders

That opens the door for a conversation around substance use disorders.

People walk around thinking so that substance use disorders are problematic when you’re lying on the street with a needle in your arm.

Yeah, at that point, I have a substance use disorder.

8:02

But the World Health Organization has done so much research and we understand now that the substance use disorder starts with one or two or three and it develops.

And before we hit the period where it has crisis where we are losing and respect from our colleagues, where we are losing friends and we’re now husband doesn’t want to socialise or doesn’t want to take us out because they are fearful that we’re going to be intoxicated.

8:33

We need to start saying before that happens, before I’m losing support, I now need to go and I need to find a space where I can get the appropriate information and where I can learn about my disease so that I can manage it.

8:50

Substance use disorders as a mental illness.

Like all mental illnesses, we need to learn behaviour to cope with our illness.

It is not a weakness, it’s got nothing to do with poor character.

9:05

It’s got to do with I have over period of time developed a certain pathway in my brain that’s causing me to need that more than other people needed, and I just now need to go into treatment to learn not to be on that pathway all the time.

9:25

I need to develop a new neural pathway so that I’m able to at stages say I’m not going to anymore.

This is not important.

It’s impacting negatively on my relationship with my partner, for my kids.

I don’t show up and I don’t want to be that person.

9:43

Speaker 1

Also, what you’re saying is so valuable and I think there are so many people who can relate and actually identify themselves in what you just explained to us.

So when can a mom realise that she’s not just using wine to relax and that she’s actually using it to numb out?

10:03

Speaker 2

I think when we are moving to a point where this substance has a purpose, I need it in order to then we are already treading on dangerous water.

10:18

Recognising Numbing vs. Relaxing

I think when we are going out, we’re having a meal, we enjoy a glass of wine, we come home.

That is the introduction stage.

That’s quite normal relationship with a substance.

But the moment that there’s a connection, that it has a purpose, that it is on my shopping list, that it’s living in my home, that I have anxiety when I don’t have it, that I, despite how tired I am, will stop at the bottle store in order to purchase it, The moment I have that type of relationship with it, it has moved in terms of priority in my life.

10:57

It’s something that must be there in order for me to be okay.

And it’s not just wine.

Women and men these days, over the counter medication, our benzodiazepines, those nice Attadale paint tablets.

11:14

I have to have it in my purse because just now I have a headache.

I develop a headache because I have it in my purse.

I have to use two or three a day.

I don’t even question whether I have a headache anymore.

11:31

I am just needing it in order to feel OK.

And when we start developing a relationship like that, we are at risk.

And at that point it’s important to get the appropriate information.

It’s important to start sitting down and saying what is the impact?

11:50

It would be awesome if a mom can come to a partner and say, listen, I am struggling a little bit.

It’s not just one, it’s always more than one.

Have you observed things that is concerning if a mom could say to children, are you okay with friends coming over or do you feel that mom is going to be drunk and I don’t want to be here or I don’t want my friends here?

12:17

When you get drunk, moms needs to start maybe initiating the conversation that gives them the power of I have knowledge that something is wrong instead of waiting with someone is confronting.

12:30

Speaker 1

You, yeah, and instead of teaching your child that being drunk is okay and being drunk is normal because you’re going to blink and they teenagers and they just think that’s the way to socialise and relax and it’s a knock on effect.

12:48

Impact on Children and Family Dynamics

Unfortunately, we have normalised 2 very, very dangerous instances in South Africa, alcohol and THC, Durham and both those substances when we are looking at brain development, when we are looking at key pathways that needs to develop in terms of delayed gratification, in terms of reasoning, both those substances impacts on brain development.

13:14

So the quicker a child begins their interaction with our goal, their interaction with with Doha, the slower the brain is going to develop.

I currently have a 13 year old Atlanta here hospital that is permanently psychotic.

13:33

He can’t be discharged.

He started to use the height 11 critical aspects of his brain has not developed and will never develop because of the high use.

So we can’t assume because it’s OK on social media that this is OK for my child, that this behaviour needs to be encouraged in order to get passage into adulthood.

13:58

We need to understand the risks associated with things that we’re doing.

We are playing with our brains capacity to deal with demands of life.

14:11

Speaker 1

The brain capacity definitely when you drink alcohol everyday, but also energy levels.

14:18

Personal Story: Quitting Alcohol

So from a personal point of view, about two years ago I had a big health scare and I quit alcohol completely after that.

But it took a big health scare for me to almost have a reason to do it, because it’s a part of our culture and because everyone always thinks, expects you to drink at their bra or at a party, or if there’s no celebration, we create something to celebrate.

14:48

So I knew I was drinking too much.

I knew I was drinking almost daily, not necessarily to a point of being completely drunk or intoxicated, but the amount of units I was consuming was definitely not healthy.

15:08

But that health scare gave me the reason or the confidence.

Ohh This is why I’m stopping and I think many people don’t have a reason to stop because I’ve tried stopping before but there was always like a reason.

Ohh no man just one.

15:23

Just just have one glass of wine.

Or I wasn’t strong enough.

But when I knew my health and whatever other reasons was at play, it was so easy for me to just step away and justify to other people while I’m not doing it.

15:40

But the interesting thing that happened after that was, although I, like I said, didn’t drink to the point of passing out on my couch every single night, the amount of clarity, energy and the brain capacity that you mentioned that developed in the months after I quit alcohol completely, it was unbelievable.

16:09

It was like a page flipped in a book.

It was just like this whole other.

Like, I’ve started so many projects, including this podcast and including so many other things that have made such a massive difference in my life, and I never would have had the energy or the clarity to do it.

16:32

And that’s just been unbelievable.

16:35

Strength vs. Smart Choices

In what you have shared, you have used my pet height word and that is strong.

I don’t know why people believe that they need to be strong in terms of alcohol.

There is this perception if you don’t use your not strong.

16:53

If you don’t use you are not acceptable.

For me, when we are dealing with something that impacts on ourselves, development, that impacts on our kidneys, our liver, we need to be smart.

We are all reaching out for healthy living.

17:10

A healthy living alternative is an alternative without substance.

Every time we use some substance, there is damage to the kidneys, damage to the liver, damage to the pancreas, damage to our stomach lining.

17:26

So if we are saying that we want to embrace healthy living, if we want to say that we want to be around to see our children graduate, to take part in their wedding, this smart thing to do would be to say, I cannot have a relationship with alcohol to the extent where it is going to deplete my cognitive capacity, my physical capacity, where it’s stealing my energy.

17:54

The smart thing to do would be to say why am I using?

We are using to socialise, to fit in, to be part of.

It’s about belonging.

18:10

It’s about how we in our culture celebrate.

It is a standard that has been set for us by social media, by the companies that sell.

This is how we celebrate.

18:25

I celebrate with a breakfast in the morning.

We don’t have price in the evening because I have a couple of friends that has a substance use disorder.

We need to say what would be the smart things for us to do as a family and as an individual because we are going to lose capacity, energy, mental capacity, physical capacity.

18:48

We’re going to lose health and we won’t even realise it until the health scares there.

Yeah, Every single time we use, we impact on ourselves, the cells in our kidneys, the cells in our liver.

19:03

Over a period of time, the disease will develop.

19:08

Speaker 1

Wow, that’s so, so interesting, Elsa.

So what all practical ways that moms can check?

Like am I relaxing?

Am I numbing out?

Am I using this as a crutch?

Am I, Do I have a reason to be concerned?

19:25

Do you have like a practical checklist for them to identify red flags?

19:30

Checklist for Red Flags & Recovery Timeline

I think if I am using more than I plan to use or more often than I plan to use, or if I feel I need to have it in my home, there is definitely red flags that needs to stand up because now it has a purpose.

19:50

And I think it’s quite important to also understand that if I make a decision not to use, I need to make a decision not to ever use again.

Because the moment that we stop, start, stop, start, we are placing our organs at severe risk.

20:10

We can literally go into kidney failure, liver failure.

So if I’m at the point where I’m saying this is playing a role in my life, where it’s impacting on my relationship, where it’s impacting on my capacity, where it’s impacting on my, my, my, my being human, then I need to say I can’t do this.

20:33

I don’t want to do this.

I don’t want to be this type of wife, this type of mum.

And then you need to come for professional help.

It is not very, very few people.

And congratulations on what you’ve achieved.

Very, very few people make a decision and stop.

20:52

People need to come and understand how to build a new neural pathway.

People need to come and understand I’m going to go through detox, I’m going to go through a nice stage called honeymoon.

I am then going to hit the wall.

21:07

What?

It’s going to be very, very hard and only at the 124 months after stopping I am going to start feeling normal again.

Wow.

It takes four months if we are working everyday, if we’re engaging with it everyday, if we have an acceptance that this is something that I need to change.

21:33

It takes four months to get to a point where I can say I am now in recovery.

I still have to everyday acknowledge my disease.

I still have to take action to manage my disease.

But I am the my body has recovered.

21:51

My brain has recovered.

21:53

Speaker 1

Sure, four months.

That’s that’s quite, quite a long day, 120.

21:58

Speaker 2

120 days.

22:00

Speaker 1

Days, you know, long time sure what you just said was quite interesting about the stop starting how that can actually impact your organs.

So I just want clarity on that.

People who drink wine on weekends or maybe once a month when they go out or even like my parents who have wine with their friends, what’s the difference between stopping and starting and social drinking?

22:30

OK, harmless social.

22:32

Social Drinking vs. Problematic Use

Harmless social drinking is I go to even this alcohol.

I drink a glass, I go home.

It’s not 3 or 4 and it’s not happening every night.

The moment that I reach for a second or a third, I have moved past harmless drinking.

22:51

It now has an intent.

It makes me feel good, I socialise better, I feel accepted.

And so the moment that it has purpose, we have passed social drinking.

23:03

Speaker 1

Okay.

23:04

Speaker 2

And some people will say, but I don’t have a problem because it’s only on a Saturday.

How many on a Saturday?

What happens to me on a Friday if I don’t have money to buy on this Saturday?

Do I have increased anxiety?

Do I feel life is unfair?

23:20

Do I not go to parties if there is not alcohol?

I need to start asking my questions around how do I plan my life, set up my life and where does alcohol all over the counter medication or even other substances?

23:37

Where does it fit into?

23:39

Speaker 1

Okay, it’s also very interesting to me the over the counter prescription polls that you mentioned because we don’t, we know that we you get a, a, a hangover from drinking too much and you drink a apple to numb that.

23:56

But I never made the connection that that could also be another big problem.

So can you unpack that a bit for me?

24:05

Over-the-Counter Medication & Co-Occurring Issues

Okay, so alcohol and beans.

Beans are transported by the same nearer transmitter.

So when that neurotransmitter is not able to get alcohol, you’re going to start craving a headache tablet because it’s not socially acceptable to be drinking a glass of wine 9:00 in the morning.

24:26

But I can have to accardo very easily.

No one is going to ask a question.

So it has to do with the neural pathways.

And it’s also quite important that we understand that some people have other mental illnesses.

There’s a depression, there’s a ADHD, and I don’t ever feel normal.

24:47

So I go and I get a prescription from my doctor, not necessarily from a psychiatrist who should actually be giving the prescription.

Now I drink that tablet and for the first time I feel normal.

25:04

I use the prescribed medication and I feel okay.

And then it’s switched into my mind if 1 is good, two must be better.

And all of a sudden my prescription doesn’t last 50 days.

25:20

Or I need to go back to my GP and I need to say to my GP there’s one sleeping tablet thing not working for me, I need another one.

Or I have read on doctor Google that there’s another one or a better one.

And so we start playing because we have a undiagnosed mental illness with prescription medication in order to try to medicate with undiagnosed mental illness.

25:47

And many, many of our people then end up with substance as well because the the poles are not working.

I am not feeling happy.

Everyone is happy.

If I look at Facebook, if I look at Instagram, why am I not happy?

26:03

Everyone is happy.

So we chase this need for joy, this need and we medicate till we get there.

And then one is not enough, 2 is not enough.

And we end up addicted to alcohol, prescription medication, over the counter medication because we want to achieve one thing and that is joy because that’s the only emotion that is allowed in social media.

26:31

We don’t see posts about people feeling sad.

No, never.

So it’s an emotional connection.

It’s we are chasing that, that joy, that belonging.

Instead of saying I’m human, I have 87 emotions.

26:48

I need to be OK to feel 87 emotions.

If one of my emotions persist for a longer period than normal, I need to see a psychiatrist.

I need to get an appropriate diagnosis, I need to get the appropriate tablets, and I need to use it appropriately.

27:08

Speaker 1

Sure, that is that is very interesting what you just said.

But I do need to ask this.

So psychiatrist, doctors, even rehab that all of those costs so much.

27:24

What can a mom do who’s living on a budget, who can barely afford the wine she’s drinking?

Or what are the next steps for someone like that to get the help she needs?

27:36

Affordable Recovery Resources

Okay, so the first thing that I would do is if I’m a mom and I am using, I would calculate the cost of my wine over a period of a month because that is the money that I have available to spend on recovery.

If I don’t have a lot of money, if I’m not able to enter into rehab program, there’s NI narcotic anonymous this I alcoholic anonymous.

28:03

There’s so many free programs available in the community.

They even available online.

They can be joined online.

At Blumenthal Clinic, for example, we have a online programme available of all the group sessions that the people receive in house to teach substance use disorders available on our website.

28:29

They can be downloaded.

Okay, people just need to say I am here, I’m showing up, I need the knowledge and I have there’s a there’s an app on that you can download onto your phone that counts your clean days.

28:45

And that specific app also counts the money that you’re saving.

You put in how?

28:51

Speaker 1

Much is a friend of mine did that when she stopped smoking.

28:54

Speaker 2

And I have a a gentleman that now very soon going to go to Spain because he has saved 90,000 Rand in six months, in six months, six months, because that was the amount of money naughty that you used to spend on himself.

29:12

But he also went into social situations where he said this round is on me spending money that I don’t really have because that’s the type of behaviour that’s expected when we are socialising together.

We spending more than we plan to, we buying more than we plan to, and then we get home and there’s not enough money for bread and milk.

29:38

Speaker 1

That’s a very, very bad situation to be in.

29:42

Speaker 2

So there are resources available.

You have your Sancus NI I there is resources online.

Just ensure that you find something that is going to give you knowledge, that’s going to give you a space where you belong with people that is similar to you, that understands, that speaks the language, that suffers the pain of not being able to go to the wedding and use that has to have a different way of planning around the wedding.

30:13

Make sure you start developing a social support network of people that does not use substance, because the more we have that available, the easier it becomes to live a life without substance.

30:29

Speaker 1

Yeah, sure.

There are so many negative stigma gas around.

30:35

Stigma and Who Attends Support Groups

I think what you said earlier about the needle in the arm lying in a gutter, that’s the point where people think you need help.

And that’s the, I think in the, in the common public mind, that’s the people you’ll find at an A meeting.

30:52

Can you unpack for us more or less who you’ll find at these meetings?

30:58

Speaker 2

So the stigma around the needle in the arm is a, the history that we have with addiction.

And I’m using a different term, not substance use.

Addiction was feared as a social problem.

Addiction was viewed as a problem that people that live on the street or people that live in poverty, that people that doesn’t have academic qualifications.

31:21

It’s a disease of of society.

And then the World Health Organisation had to get involved because all of a sudden there’s doctors and professors and these people with degrees that’s struggling with opiates in America.

31:39

And then we discovered that it hasn’t got nothing to do with the amount of money we have or our social belonging.

So at a normal innate or a meeting, you’re going to find teachers, you’re gonna find nurses, you’re gonna find doctors, you’re gonna find a couple of people that’s on the street because they have not aimed into the program soon enough.

32:02

The quicker we come in, the quicker we ask for help, the quicker we expand on our knowledge base, the less risk have of ending up on the street.

32:14

Speaker 1

Yeah, so it’s much, much more common than we think.

It’s people like you and me, people who walk past us in the shopping mall.

It could be our children’s teachers.

So joining should not be viewed as I failed or I’m a bad person or I’m a an addict.

32:33

It’s just you’re getting the help you desperately need.

32:36

Speaker 2

Absolutely.

Joining a group where there are people sitting together discussing illness, how can we say that those people are bad?

Those people are making time, they’re making an effort to sit and say I am struggling with something.

32:55

I have a very unique disease and I need to belong to groups where other people are like me, where there’s like mindedness, where there is belonging.

Otherwise, I’m going to have to continue to adhere to this practice of social media, joy, alcohol, and life is much more than that.

33:22

Life is about knowing yourself.

Life is about a willingness to say I’m not OK.

Life is about the need to get up and say I need help.

I need to move forward.

33:38

That is the people that I take my hat off to.

Every person that walks into an innate or AI or into a rehab is at the beginning of joining a victorious journey.

33:53

We are going to learn to live without the need for something.

We gotta do it on our.

34:03

Speaker 1

There’s so much freedom in that, you know, when the shackles of addiction falls away, yes.

34:09

Speaker 2

And then we have people that come and they do great for four or five months and then there is a problem again.

I take my hat off to the person that’s the next day back in a meeting to say I’ve screwed up.

34:25

I don’t want my old life again.

I don’t want to isolate.

I don’t want a life where I am scared with people are going to find out how much I’ve used.

I don’t want to deny, I don’t want to lie.

It takes too much energy.

34:41

I just want to start being again.

34:43

Changing the Conversation for Future Generations

Yeah, when we want to talk about changing the conversation around our culture and how we celebrate and how we talk and normalise alcohol, it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight because like I said earlier, it’s deeply ingrained into our societal expectations.

35:06

What do you think?

How can we start changing this conversation and letting especially the next generation that it’s it’s not as okay as we think?

35:17

Speaker 2

I think it’s of critical importance that miners and their parents come and join a workshop around substance use, the different types of substances, what happens in the body, the risks associated with substances.

35:35

I recently had a program where I had a 17 year old and a mom joining together and that type of conversation then allows for the information to be shared.

We need to start talking at school level already ready about substance.

35:53

I have a four year old foster child.

She comes from addiction, so at 4:00 if I give her cough syrup she goes more because she was predisposed mum was using while she was in utero.

36:13

So at four I will always say to her, my love, you have a the potential of developing a problem around substance.

I at 4, already talk about the risk of more than one at my teenager level.

36:32

When my when my kids were teenagers, I sat down before they went to high school and I said there’s going to be these things that’s happening at school.

You need to understand and you now need to already before you go to high school, know what your plan is when you get invited to a party and there’s substance do you want to use?

36:56

If you want to use, where is your parent in terms of that?

Can you phone me?

Can you not phone me?

Because I want you to be able to say to me, Mum, I’m not OK.

I have used, I’m throwing up, come and collect me.

37:11

And then after that, the next day I need to sit down with my teenager and I need to say what has happened last night is dangerous for your body, for your brain.

Let’s talk about this.

Communication is everything in substance use disorders.

37:30

But if we have parents that problem solve by using, children not going to start problem solving by using.

37:39

Speaker 1

Yeah, because that’s the model that they’ve seen, the example they grew up with.

37:43

Speaker 2

Absolutely.

So we need to start saying if I am parenting A4 year old, what is the example that I show my 4 year old in terms of my using?

If I am parenting a teenager, how do I problem solve?

37:59

Do I problem solve with alcohol?

Do I just want to forget?

Do I just want to know am I teaching my child how to problem solve with how I behave?

38:12

Speaker 1

Yeah, and my word, Elsa, you’ve, you’ve shared such a mountain of knowledge and wisdom today, and I think you’ve given so many of us a lot to think about.

For the mom listening right now, seeing herself in everything you’re saying, what is your message to her?

38:32

Message to Moms & Finding Support

I think first and foremost, if you can identify that you are at risk, you’ve already taken the first step.

Now you need to look at how much resources you have available and where do you want to start.

38:48

Look at what support is available to you.

Maybe there is a program at your workspace.

There are some workspaces that have substance use programs available.

Maybe there is a resource at the church.

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Start looking and start showing a bit of interest.

Get knowledge about it.

Please also visit the Blumenthal website.

As I say, my whole manual that I work through is available on that website.

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Download it, work for it.

Work for it with yourself, with your partner, with your child if need be.

My biggest fear is mom sitting here with a problem, but mom sitting here knowing my child is at risk.

Where do I go to if I have a 13 year old, 14 year old, 15 year old?

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There are resources available.

39:40

Speaker 1

Just give us that website.

39:42

Speaker 2

And you can just and Google Blumenthal Treatment Centre and all the documentation is available, set, read, obtain appropriate knowledge, speak to your doctor, make sure you understand where you are at in terms of your health and then decide with your partner, is it going to be inpatient?

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Is it going to be outpatient?

Is it going to be free resources?

How are we going to do this?

Because there’s different models available.

Not everyone.

You’ve got recovery without ever being admitted to a treatment facility.

40:24

Speaker 1

You aren’t just stopped cold.

40:26

Speaker 2

Turkey because your food.

I want to be here healthy for my children.

I want to store.

That’s amazing.

40:34

Speaker 1

Yeah.

And I think if a mom can take those steps and make that decision before she’s lying in a in a CT scan with tears rolling down her.

40:49

Speaker 2

Cheeks.

40:50

Speaker 1

Solutely, the sooner the better.

40:52

Speaker 2

The sooner the better.

I am a strong advocate for having a visit with your GP every year.

I am a strong advocate if you are struggling with a specific mood or something that’s bugging and and spinning in your head around behaviour, to consult with a psychiatrist to get the appropriate treatment to know what’s happening in your body.

41:15

COVID-19 and Increased Substance Use

Because if we don’t know, we continue and we continue.

There are so many women that has developed substance use disorders during COVID time.

Ohh, wow.

Because all of a sudden we were isolated, we did not have support networks, we were not able to get to jobs.

41:34

We were.

I’m concerned about finance.

What do I do?

I want to numb, I want to forget.

How do I do this?

41:44

Speaker 1

That home.

41:44

Speaker 2

School and they had to home school and all the pressures.

Yeah, I’m sorry.

It’s quite important that I just sit and ask myself what’s happening with my relationship.

Is it more than one when I am doing it?

Is it every evening?

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Where am I standing with this?

How important is this to me?

How much money do I spend on this?

42:10

Speaker 1

Elsa, you’ve shared the most amazing things with us today, and I’m so grateful that you could join me.

And I think so many people will really find this conversation so, so helpful.

42:23

Final Five: Elsa’s Parenting Reflections

Thank you for joining me.

So now we’ve reached the final five.

This is five questions that every guest on MOMENTS answers, and the first one is which part of your human experience, or as we call it, the on moments, the X was the most affected by becoming a mom.

42:42

Speaker 2

I think that the need for balance when you become a mum, it’s no longer around balancing only your life and your reality.

And all of a sudden you’re responsible to balance with a child or children and, and that, that is quite difficult.

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Of course it’s another part or another claim on your life and it it takes away a lot of the freedoms that you used to have.

So just finding a new way to balance was was difficult for me.

43:17

Speaker 1

Yeah, that’s so lovely.

I think it’s very relatable.

I think all of us have to do that.

And what are you most grateful for on your mom journey?

43:28

Speaker 2

I think I’m grateful for I’m, I’m, I’m blessed to have adult children already as well.

I’m grateful for the friends that they have become in my life.

I’m grateful for that, those moments where they pick up the phone and they share with such happiness and such joy the things that’s happening in their lives.

43:49

Speaker 1

Ohh that’s amazing.

And what would you do differently looking back?

43:58

Speaker 2

I had a a bit of hardship around having biological children of my own.

I always knew I’m going to have children and and then at the point where my husband was ready and I was ready and his two children were ready and it was too late for me.

44:16

So I think for me, I would like to, if I could go back, I would like to have that experience.

I always feel as if I’m parenting from the outside rather from them being on my inside.

44:35

And that sometimes a good, a good thing.

I am standing a bit further away so it’s easier for me to communicate about the things that I see.

But I I think if I didn’t wait so long I would have had the inside experience as well.

44:50

Speaker 1

That’s very interesting.

So also you recently became a grandmother too.

Congratulations.

So what are you telling your own kids about parenting, especially now that one of them is a mum herself?

45:06

Speaker 2

I think when I speak to my daughter, I always speak about self-care.

For a woman to be a good mother, for a woman to be a Good Wife, for a woman to be employed and doing exceptionally well in her career, there needs to be a moment of this is me, I’m taking a long bath.

45:27

I am making time for me.

So self gay, ensure that you are filling up your bucket because so many things are drilling holes into your bucket and draining you from energy.

Make time to fill your pocket.

45:44

Ensure that you have that cup of coffee, buy that beautiful dress.

Make sure that you also feel that you are worthy, because without you, nothing’s going to happen.

45:56

Speaker 1

Yeah, that’s that’s very true.

What is your North Star when you make parenting decisions?

46:04

Speaker 2

I actually have a Southern Cross on my back.

It’s statue there and it contains the word in faith.

There is direction.

So I always start with how is this going to impact on my relationship with God first and foremost?

46:22

And what is the expectation that God would have on me in terms of what needs to happen there?

So a lot of discussion, a lot of pray and then sitting down and saying this is how I’m thinking.

46:37

How are you thinking around this?

It’s not just a decision that I make.

Even on a four year old level, I would say years, 2 pairs of shoes.

Which one would you like to wear today?

Because it’s just that empowering of of the person that you are parenting.

46:59

It is a journey together where you carry a whole lot of responsibility.

And the responsibility is not, you are right, you are wrong.

The responsibility is, are you growing as a human being to the extent are you going to be able to function in your own one day?

47:19

Speaker 1

Wow, that’s amazing.

Thank you, Elsa, and thank you for joining me today.

I think this is going to be so helpful for many, many people.

47:29

Speaker 2

Thank you so much for the opportunity.

47:31

Speaker 1

If you’ve ever joked about needing wine to survive motherhood, you are certainly not alone.

47:38

Episode Wrap-Up

But maybe it’s time to ask the question, What are we really craving?

Is IT support?

Is it raised?

Or is it a break from the chaos?

And when is it time to look yourself in the mirror and realise it’s time to get the help you need?

47:54

Until next time, bye.

This episode of Moments is brought to you by Babies-R-Us and Toys-R-Us, your village.

Through every messy, magical step of parenting, from first kicks to toddler chaos, we are here with love, guidance and all the essentials you need to thrive.

48:16

Because every moment matters.