How to Make Friends as a Mom in Your 30s and 40s (Even If You’re Busy)

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Building Modern Communities for Moms

If you’ve ever rolled your eyes at the phrase it takes a village to raise a child while doing absolutely everything on your own, you’re gonna love this episode.

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Almost without fail, every guest on The Moment’s podcast have been saying how important a support network is.

But if you don’t have one and you live far away from family, where do you even start to build your community, find your tribe, or even ask for help?

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Today I’m joined by Kate Cops and founder of the Society of Working Moms.

She’s here to share what modern community really looks like and how we can both support systems that actually work.

Welcome, Kate.

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Speaker 2

Thank you mate, I’m so excited to be here.

0:58

Speaker 1

Psychic Let’s unpack the term community because it looks very different from when we were kids.

For example, when I was a kid, my mum didn’t have to check her diary or send messages to my friend’s mum to organise a play date.

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Literally, she didn’t even know where I was.

I just took off and played in.

We played in each other’s homes and no one blinked an eye, which is far from what we’re experiencing today.

What does community look like in our modern reality and where do we find it?

1:34

Speaker 2

Yeah, great question.

I have to laugh because yeah, it’s very parenting styles are very different.

And I think a lot has changed for the better, including, you know, it’s I don’t love that I have to have the daycare app and the school app and all of the different technologies in order to just exist as a parent in the world today.

2:00

However, I do think that being online is really helpful for being able to find your people.

So society, working moms, I call it a digital first community.

So we do have in real life gatherings when there’s enough members to support them.

2:17

So for example, I went back to Colorado where I’m from around the Thanksgiving holiday.

So we had, you know, an in person meet up while I was there, which was great.

But most of our stuff is happening online and it’s nice because it can happen async, it can happen, you know, you could be wearing your jammies.

2:38

It can be in the middle of the night while you’re feeding a child or up with a sick kid or just, you know, have perimenopausal sleep issues.

I have all of those things.

I don’t know, I’m having trouble sleeping these days.

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And I’m like, it’s hard to pin down exactly what of the things this is keeping me up.

But yeah, so it is nice to be able to show up for people and have people show up for you without any expectation of like, getting ready, like getting real pants on and getting your hair up and all of the things that might have to happen or you might feel more pressured to do.

3:21

If you’re like, getting together in real life, which I think you can’t really replace it, but it’s nice to have.

It’s nice to have both.

It’s nice to have both options.

So yeah.

3:34

Speaker 1

That’s such an advantage we have now.

So even though community feels more structured and planned and organised and not as organic as it was it, it definitely does have its its pros too.

3:51

It can also feel a bit superficial because people can just opt out whenever they want.

And people who don’t have the, the means or the energy or the personality to join these kind of societies and communities, they can easily feel very isolated.

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And that’s such a big one for many moms.

I mean, kids change absolutely everything.

Our friendships, our careers, our routines, even our marriages.

You almost feel like trapped, like you can’t connect to the rest of the world.

4:30

In your experience from the Society of Working Moms, what sense of community does moms want the most?

4:40

Speaker 2

Ohh, I mean, it’s hard to separate my own, like my own needs versus the group needs.

But anecdotally, I would say people are just looking for other people who recognise that it’s hard, it’s rewarding and it’s hard.

5:00

You know, it’s the best and it’s the worst and it can be both things in the same day in the same hour, you know, being a mom and being a working mom.

I mean, I, I’ll say I’ll, I’ll mom’s work.

You know, that’s a phrase that gets thrown around, at least here in the States, a lot.

5:16

And I absolutely think that that is true.

You know, I mentioned earlier my kids are home with me today.

And so that is a whole different kind of work.

But yeah, being, being a mom is hard.

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And it’s nice to have a place where you can show up and authentically celebrate your wins, but also mourn the losses and have people be with you and rooting you on no matter, you know, if you’re on this end of the spectrum or this end of the spectrum with how you’re feeling about your motherhood experience in that moment.

5:58

And so it’s just, yeah, I feel like traditional social media, which is sometimes back to your community questions, sometimes called community social media, a podcast can be called community with social media.

I think what happens a lot and you know, this isn’t anything ground breaking, but I’m going to say, but it’s very performative.

6:19

It’s a lot of here’s my win, my win, my win, my win.

And so it’s, it’s nice to have a private place where people are, you know, for society, working moms, for my community, people are agreeing to a certain set of rules.

6:36

We have community guidelines.

And I lay them out really clearly before people join and then when they join, just so we know that we are showing up with the same shared values of like, we’re all just doing our best, you know, we’re here to support each other.

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What works for us might not work for someone else, and we are offering advice when asked for advice.

Sometimes all you need is for people to say, oof, that sounds hard, or I’ve been there, or I’m bookmarking this for when I’m there in a few months.

7:10

Sometimes all you need is like a virtual hug, like an emoji hug versus someone saying, here’s my advice.

It’s like, no, you.

There’s plenty of places you can go for unsolicited advice.

I think social media being one of them.

And so, yeah, having a community that has a little more constraints, like more parameters.

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So whether it’s a paywall or here are our guidelines, we are adhering to the guidelines.

And there is someone, I want to say policing, but I do police the guidelines.

I’m making sure people are sticking to them.

And I have a way for people to say someone’s not sticking to them.

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You know, assuming best intent always with my members, but making sure that we’re really creating this safe space for folks to show up authentically.

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Speaker 1

That’s amazing.

I, I absolutely love that so much.

Okay, so for mums who don’t have nearby family or grandparents in the same town, building a support network from scratch can feel very overwhelming.

8:19

I know because my in laws and my own parents are thousands of kilometres away.

Where does someone even start?

Especially moms who are exhausted, broke or overwhelmed.

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Speaker 2

Yeah, I mean, I’m in the same same camp.

My in laws are like 4 1/2 hours away, but my parents are on the other side of the country.

We actually moved to this town a little more than a year ago and did not really have even friends to speak of at that point.

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And so it’s, it’s, it’s hard and there’s a lot that an online community can’t do.

Like it’s nice to have people who can bring you meals when your husband has emergency foot surgery, as mine did earlier this year.

Or can, you know, walk your dog when you’re out late at work or XYZ.

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There’s a million things that an on the ground community is going to be a lot more helpful in helping you achieve.

You know, there’s a lot of talk I’m seeing these days hiring your village like you need to pay like we used to have, you know, be surrounded by people.

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And the expectation was just that that you help and they help you.

And it is this beautiful like ecosystem of support and that is conspicuously absent, at least from my life.

9:48

And so, yeah, if you’re, if you don’t have money to hire someone to, you know, run your kids around or meal prep for you or clean your house or whatever the thing you might need help with, I think I mean, what I have found in being a newcomer to this town is just getting to know your neighbors.

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And even if you don’t have a lot in common with them, maybe you’re not at the same stage of like raising kids or maybe they’re not parents.

It’s still really valuable to say, hey, I made a little extra soup.

Do you, you know, would do you like eating this?

10:28

I have a whole jar that I can give you.

And so we’ve really established, we’ve got, we’re really lucky to have great neighbors where we are.

And it’s essential where we are because we live fairly remotely.

And so especially it’s, you know, middle of winter here or winter is really just starting.

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And when those roads get bad and power goes out and generators aren’t kicking on to, to heat your house, it’s really important that we’re leaning on each other.

And so think there’s a living in a remote place, there’s a different expectation of what it looks like to show up for your neighbors.

11:04

But I think that that can apply to any setting if you’re putting the first foot forward to say, like, I want to establish a relationship with you and, and having it be really genuine, not not A1 sided, like I want to establish a relationship with you because I will need you to watch my kids someday.

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But really having it be a very reciprocal thing.

And that’s a big thing inside of the online community space too, is reciprocity.

It needs to be.

I say that it works best if everyone gives a lot and takes a little.

11:40

And so I do think that that ethos kind of purp like permeates everything that happens inside of society.

Working moms with people showing up for others first before expecting to get something in return.

11:53

Speaker 1

Yeah, I completely agree.

Like it’s what you put in is what you’re gonna get out.

So yeah, what what what worked so well for us is we live in a little Crescent and in the middle is a park.

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Navigating Support Networks

And then we started this kids club.

So from the community chat where everyone was on, we invited parents to join another WhatsApp group called the Kids Club.

And then we would have little Hangouts or small events like Easter egg hunts, whatever.

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And that way we meet our neighbors with kids who are more or less in the same, you know, phase that we were in.

And from that, we started a little lift club that went to the local crash.

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Our kids are bigger now, so the kids club has, you know, moved into a different direction.

But if we didn’t do that, we wouldn’t have known all these fabulous people who live like 2 doors down from us.

12:57

And that’s been such an amazing gift.

And it wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t take that first step and just created a WhatsApp group.

It’s as easy as that.

13:11

Speaker 2

Yeah.

And I perfect example of using technology to then like get beyond technology, beyond the screen.

Yeah, I love that so much.

And how lucky to have a central point in your neighborhood where it just makes sense to gather.

13:27

I think that’s, you know, referred to as a third space, typically someplace that’s not work, that’s not home, that’s just a place that is central that people can gather.

And that’s, yeah, I think an online community can be a sort of a virtual third space, which I think is so important to have those parks, those city squares and, yeah, even an online chat room that you can gather.

13:58

Yeah.

13:58

Speaker 1

Yeah, you’re so right.

But making friends as adults is so, so hard.

Like.

14:06

Speaker 2

His parents.

14:08

Speaker 1

As parents, I’ve been failed two things that really stand out for me.

The one is we are so busy and I actually hate it when people say this, but the fact is our schedules are pretty full.

We have friends that we haven’t seen in months who live very, very close to us.

14:27

And I think the other thing is that we as adults, it’s hard.

It’s hard for us to let our guard down because of loved experiences.

We’re not as naive as we were 20 years ago.

Like, I’m not gonna meet you now and tell you my whole life story.

14:45

I first need to suss you out a bit.

Why do you think it’s harder to find your tribe as we get older?

14:56

Speaker 2

Yeah, I think it like you say.

I mean, even if you’re relatively unprogrammed, like right now my kids are 2 1/2 and 4 1/2.

So maybe the 4 1/2 has an, you know, an acrobatics class once a quarter or or like every quarter she’ll make, she might have an activity.

15:16

And even then it’s, I feel like we are so busy, it’s just hard to, yeah, it’s hard to get together.

And I know we are way less programmed than a lot of other families.

And so like imagining trying to find a time that works.

15:34

Um, it, it’s hard, but I think what I like is like the last minute, no pressure LMP.

And so I will say to like friends, like I’ll just text a group of moms and say, Ellen NPP, we are going to the park at noon.

15:52

We’re going to pack a picnic.

If it works to see you, great.

So we just go about our life as we would and we just throw out invites last minute, no pressure, last minute, no pressure.

And if people show up, that’s great.

And if not, we’re still having a picnic at the park, you know, as a family.

16:10

And it’s still lovely.

But I think throwing away expectations of like what some of those gatherings look like, including if you’re hosting at your own house, like you don’t need to clean your floors.

16:28

I mean, it depends.

I guess you might want to for certain company, but I think finding the people who are also like, ohh, God, you didn’t clean your floors.

Like that is the that is the kind of friendships we need is the people who get you’re so busy, like you’re not.

16:44

You don’t need to do anything special for me when I arrive.

And that’s part of the whole last minute, no pressure like vibe, I think is here’s what’s happening.

Would love to see you today, like, and then it kind of extends the invite to them to to make those same reach outs to you.

17:06

Like they might say ohh okay well tomorrow we’re doing this like last minute no pressure but love would love to see you.

17:12

Speaker 1

There, I absolutely love that.

I am 100% going to steal that.

It’s so clever.

17:18

Speaker 2

Don’t know where I got it, I did not make it up.

17:21

Speaker 1

Now it’s brilliant.

It’s sometimes in our own routines that we kind of push people away because it’s like they almost need to ask permission to enter our worlds.

And we, we, we don’t need that if we want to make more friends.

17:38

Yeah.

So be beyond urban community or family support.

We also have our professional communities, which is our our colleagues and our clients.

What’s your best advice for moms trying to build strong career connections?

17:57

Speaker 2

I think joining a networking group, and I know networking gets a bad rap, but I think if you find the right group and I consider, I consider society working moms kind of a hybrid of like social, social support and career support, you know, it’s working and momming together.

18:18

So it is both.

But I think finding a group that is either industry specific or time of life specific.

So maybe it’s, um, you know, women getting into tech for the first time or, or it’s, you know, tech industry leaders, but having a group and, and I think the nice year the better.

18:42

Depending on your geography, it might need to be online.

You know, I live in a place that doesn’t have a lot of it.

It’s very industry heavy and so there’s not a ton of like corporate working folk where I live.

18:59

And so online is really for, for a networking community is is the better option for me.

But I’m also part of like we have a a little town specific like business.

19:14

I don’t want to say incubator because that makes it sound like it’s like a program, but we’ve got a, a group of business people that get together regularly for conferences and to collaborate and make sure that, you know, economic development is moving forward in our town.

And so I think finding, whether it’s online or in real life, finding a group that feels like it aligns with what you want to get out of your networking experience that is not working.

19:46

Doesn’t have to be standing in a room in a suit and shaking hands and talking to three people and hoping that the conversations were good.

Like I think we’ve all been to those networking events where you it’s just like a free for all and you’re.

20:02

A lot of times leaving feeling like you didn’t maybe make the most of it or like have the the most productive conversations.

But yeah, networking can look more exciting than I think the the picture that a lot of us have in our minds.

20:22

Speaker 1

I agree 100%, like the best networking doesn’t happen with the lanyard with a QR cord around your neck.

20:30

Speaker 2

Yeah, and mentorship is also, you know, a type of networking and that is super valuable.

And it can be informal or it can be a formal, you know, maybe your college has an alumni network or something and and they do a mentorship program through there.

But finding someone who’s a few steps ahead of you, or if you like to be on the mentor side, a few steps behind you, who you can like, learn and grow together, I think that’s really valuable.

20:57

Speaker 1

Absolutely.

So, Kate, tell us more about the Society of Working Moms like Hawk and Moms Get Involved.

21:07

Speaker 2

So we have a, a calendar and events calendar on our website, whichisworking-moms.com and then the actual like paid membership community lives on Slack.

So traditional workplace communication tool that we have kind of retrofitted or I don’t know dairy rigged to be a community centric tool.

21:33

Yeah.

So the bread and butter of the community is really this Slack space.

So that’s what people are.

Their membership does go to support this online space and programming in there.

So there is also member specific content and programming specifically we have group coaching every week.

21:52

So I hire, I work with a coaching team.

So right now it’s two.

We have plans to expand it to three in 2026, but they have a weekly coaching session on a variety of topics.

22:09

So anything from like advocating for yourself at work to digital detox to information overload like reset, like giving you tools to be able to navigate motherhood and work more effectively from accredited, licensed coaches.

22:31

The newsletter is also free and that just, you know, that’s a fun.

It’s basically like a recap of conversations that have happened, but also there’s some, you know, member Rex and some reeds and some watches and just fun, fun things to tap into as working moms.

22:53

Speaker 1

That sounds Absolutely Fabulous, Kate.

It’s such an important platform or membership system that you’ve created society that you’ve created for moms and the support you give them.

So we’ve reached the final five, which is five questions every guest answers.

23:14

And the first one is which part of your human experience was changed the most by becoming a mom?

23:23

Speaker 2

I think the the biggest thing for me is just like, I felt like I was just part of this broader human experience.

So, you know, everyone, not everyone becomes a parent, but everyone was maybe not parented, but everyone was born.

23:38

And so being able to contribute to that in a really, really like microscopic way just made me feel like part of something bigger.

23:50

Creating Professional Connections

Um, yeah, that’s the best way I can describe it.

Just feeling like I, I’m part of this long tradition of bringing people into the world and raising people in the world.

24:02

Speaker 1

That’s very true.

So looking back, what would you do differently?

24:08

Speaker 2

I don’t know, I don’t want to sound trite, but I don’t, I don’t think I would do anything differently.

I feel like, you know, I became a mom a little later.

Ah.

Which was partly circumstantial.

I’ll get to that in, in another question, one of the other final five questions.

24:28

But I think waiting to have kids was, was actually really beneficial because we were just more sure of what we wanted and financially set up a little more for it.

Although I, I fully support people just there’s never a great time.

24:45

So just have kids if you want to have kids.

24:49

Speaker 1

Yeah, true words.

What are you most grateful for on your mom journey?

24:55

Speaker 2

OK, So what I’m most grateful for this is this was the easy, the easiest one to think about is I.

So I was previously married that husband we, you know, when we first got together, we were gonna have kids.

25:12

And then at some point he changed his mind and, and my perspective was always, I didn’t want to have kids with someone who didn’t want to have kids.

And so I kind of, you know, I felt okay about it.

I was like, okay, we’ve got this.

You know, I still believe you can have a very fulfilling life without kids.

25:29

And so I was like, totally fine with that life, but things changed and I’m so glad they did because I feel like I got a second chance at this life that now I could not imagine not being a mom.

25:47

You know, my sisters and sisters in law make fun of Maine because I went from being like the auntie who was like, not going to have kids.

So now I’m like, they all have two and I’m like about to have my third.

And they’re like, ohh, my gosh, you’re going to be like the little old woman who lives on a shoe with a million kids.

26:06

And anyway, we have a small house and it’s becoming overrun with children, which is we’re, we’re done at 3.

But it’s nice to, it’s just nice to have this second chance at becoming a mom and getting to experience what that’s all about.

26:22

So as by far what I’m most grateful for.

26:27

Speaker 1

That’s beautiful.

I’m very glad you got your second chance and that you are loving it and that you were willing to do it for a third one.

I stopped at 2:00.

26:40

Speaker 2

There.

26:43

Speaker 1

What are you telling your own kids about parenting?

26:47

Speaker 2

Yeah, I make sure that they know, probably to an annoying degree, that I love being a mom and I love being their mom.

And now my oldest is 4 1/2 and she, you know, is seeing this baby growing inside of me and she sees babies at daycare.

27:06

She obviously has a little sister too, but she’s made comments about wanting to be a mom when she grows up, and I would obviously love that.

But I also try to make sure that she knows that family can look very different than what ours looks like.

27:22

And so she can be a mom if that’s what she wants to do.

And I’ll tell you know, my son, the same thing.

You can be a dad if that’s what you want to do, but it doesn’t have to look a certain way.

And also it should not be something that you just do because it’s expected.

27:38

So I definitely want no pressure on them to feel like we need grandkids.

Hopefully with three we’ll have at least one grandkid, but yeah, no pressure.

27:54

Speaker 1

And Kate, what is your North star when making parenting decisions?

28:01

Speaker 2

That is a great.

I love all of these questions, but that one was hard to pin down for me.

I mean, there’s a lot of like what would Doctor Becky do?

Like in my head, Dr. Becky Kennedy is someone I try and keep in mind when I’m maybe not making like individual parenting decisions, but when I’m having a hard time with knowing how to handle like a certain behaviour.

28:33

Um, I think just having, you know, my partner and I are very different parenting styles and it’s actually helpful to like kind of balance each other out and recognise that there are strengths in our different styles.

28:49

And so, yeah, I think just knowing that our kids are are getting kind of these two different angles of parenting helps me at least feel like there’s some sort of, if not like a cohesive North Star.

29:08

It does feel like, you know, we’re, we’re both approaching it from this place of love and support and wanting the best for our kids and our families.

And that helps me feel good about the direction we’re going.

29:23

Speaker 1

Yeah, definitely.

Um, parenting from two different perspectives can be super hard, but I think it’s actually so beneficial for the kids.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you for joining us today.

You reminded us that motherhood was never meant to be done alone and that there are clever ways to build community and support networks in new and practical ways.

29:48

Thank you.

29:49

Speaker 2

Thanks for having me Mags, this was.

29:50

Speaker 1

Great community, just like our 90s.

29:53

Reflections on Motherhood

Play dates might look very differently today, but it’s far from gone.

There are practical ways to get the physical, emotional, and professional support you need and absolutely deserve.

Share this episode with moms and friends who will benefit from Kate’s advice, advice, and insights.

30:12

And be sure to checkout the Society for Working Moms if you haven’t already.